Let me get my Clit in Order

So Daniel Tosh, that beacon of hilarity and wit and perfect tone on the human condition, apparently made comments at the Laugh Factory a week or so ago. Rape is funny, what could be funnier, it's always funny...A female in the audience, according to her account (she's lying, she was totally asking for it. I heard she might have even been wearing a short skirt.) said something to the effect that rape, in fact, is not funny. Tosh responded "wouldn't it be funny if that woman got raped? By like, 5 guys? Like, right now?" More here.

And so begins the comedians (primarily male) vs. the "feminists."

Well you didn't think I was going to just lie there and take it, did you?

1. Yes, Tosh, and every other human being in the world, is entitled to Free Speech. Whether or not they get that where they live, we hold these truths to be self-evident and we should all fight for everyone to have free speech. This means that Tosh gets to say rape is always funny, and I get to say I sincerely hope you get raped someday. Like, violently. What? It's a JOKE! So, fair enough. Tosh gets his right to free speech and here is me exercising my right to free speech. Daniel Tosh? You're a fucking spoiled fucking white American male and you're a douchebag. Fair is fair.

2. He was making a joke on the sacred fucking hallowed ground of a comedy club, and if you don't like being raped, don't go to comedy clubs! Again, see item 1. Being a "comedian", being "onstage" (the fucking floor of the Laugh Factory), and holding a microphone does not make you fucking impervious. A comedian has the right to work out their material and FEEL that no subject is off-limits because if we start to "censor" (absolutely no one is getting censored here. This isn't Pinochet's rule. It's America and you can say whatever you want. Really.) You have the right to make any of these jokes, including ones about the Holocaust, and AIDS, and faggots, and lynching. But two things:

A. If you're a comedian, the GOD that you are because you've "earned" the "right" to "say whatever you want" because a comedy club is sacred fucking ground or something, then you have one job. ONE. To make people laugh. That is your entire job. It is hard and it's got to be humiliating at times and it seems to make one lose a bit of their sanity and quite a lot of their humanity, but that's your job, you chose it, and them's the rules. Your job is to make people laugh. You did not make this woman laugh, in fact, you made her feel uncomfortable, unsafe, singled out, and willfully hunted, which is a feeling that I can assure you, as a woman, is a place we have to live in DAY IN AND DAY OUT without rest no matter what. The comedian made a joke. It wasn't funny. I'd wage a bet that quite a few people, male and female, did not find that joke path funny.

B. You can say whatever you want. You can say rape is funny, you can use the N word, you can joke about Jews. But it HURTS PEOPLE. Jokes about lynching, the holocaust, AIDS, etc. Nothing should be off-limits in the realm of comedy (unless it isn't FUNNY), it is argued, because we need to be able to talk about everything and, eventually, hopefully, come together and laugh. Is, I think, I HOPE the ultimate goal of the really good ones. And they did it well. Richard Pryor, Lenny Bruce, Eddie Murphy, Chris Rock, Betty White, Roseanne Barr, Bill Hicks...I think, ultimately, this was their desire and their deepest wish.

Tosh did not pull together humanity he said rape is funny. It isn't. It is horrifying. It is a terrible, awful, disgusting wage of war against women. I hate to use this argument because it shouldn't be a battle of who has suffered more. But if he had made a lynching or slavery joke, shit would not be ok. Blacks have suffered nearly insurmountable campaigns against them personally and as a group for about 500 years in America. Women have been raped and told to shut up for 2,000. It's horrifying, a male who has not been a victim (and, I'd argue, even if he has because he does not, then, have to continue to live in fear) has NO idea what it must be like, and...it isn't funny.

As Ice Cube says in the new 21 Jump Street, "yeah, I'm black and I'm angry. WHAT ABOUT IT."

Louis CK then went on the Daily Show to explain (lie?) that he was not defending Tosh on Twitter, but simply giving a very ill-timed shout out about how funny he is, to say this is a classic war. Feminists can't take a joke.

Saying that rape isn't funny doesn't make you a feminist. It makes you someone with an opinion. Where are the female comedians here? Where is Betty White? Where is Sarah Silverman? Where's Maria Bamford, Chelsea Handler, Lena Dunham, Tina Fey, Wanda Sykes, ELLEN DeGENERES? Hello? Ladies? Is this thing on? Because if you're a woman, and you say the joke isn't funny, then you're a feminist. You're playing RIGHT into their stereotype of "feminist" (oh, and we wouldn't want THAT god forbid, equal rights for everyone regardless of gender). But I disagree. I think it's HILARIOUS when a funny black man gets angry. I think it's funny when Will Ferrell gets angry. I think it's funny when Ellen DeGeneres does anything. I think most everything that Sarah Silverman says and does is wildly offensive and absolutely hysterical. Yes. Hysterical. Where all the (black or white) women at??

 I'm a feminist and have been told I'm funny. I don't think the two are mutually exclusive. Once at a comedy show in Denver, there was an openly gay bear comedian that goes by "Ursa Major". He told a joke toward the end that he assured no women would laugh at, because: vaginas. It was about a dog wearing a shock collar that ran into his lit cigarette and couldn't whine or bark because the dog collar kept shocking him. Yeah, I didn't laugh either. The bit really wasn't much more intricate or subtle than this retelling. He just acted the poor dog out more.

I didn't laugh because I'm a woman.

I didn't laugh because the joke wasn't funny.

Bill Hicks, my all time favorite, said some of the most offensive shit about women and I absolutely adore him. He would never, ever say that rape is funny, I truly don't think so. And he has a joke that goes something like this:

 "I'm dating a 16 year old and her cunt is amazing. It's like a papercut surrounded by cotton candy."

And I fucking love that joke. It is told with such desperate love and attention to detail that it sends me every time. I laugh, hysterically, every time. Rape isn't funny. But I'd love to see the women take a crack at it. And, furthermore, Tosh and the other desperately misogynistic "comedians" that get to spew ignorance and hate just because they have the mike. I don't want to take their mike away, I want to hear more people on more microphones.

And I want the fucking jokes to be funny. I'd love for rape to end. But in the meantime, let's work on the jokes.

Marty Gellhorn, and 'Girls'

Watching Lena Dunham's 'Girls', the much hyped (and thank god for that, because FINALLY, and thank you) HBO show as a follow up to Dunham's nothing short of Pure Genius (and possibly timing, and luck) "Tiny Furniture" I had...I had quite a few thoughts. I saw "Tiny Furniture" at the Denver Film Festival and was relieved, blown away, comforted, led to fits of giggles. It was one of the bravest, airiest, most subtly confident movies I've ever seen. In the film, Dunham shows a character reading Woody Allen's 'Without Feathers' or possibly 'Side Effects.' Maybe a wink to a knowing audience that she's fully aware that she could be a 22 year old Woody Allen or that inevitably, any movie with an NYC backdrop about human interaction might be compared to Allen's films. Regardless, she makes the case that inadequacy and self-perceived failure, or being at a complete loss for answers can be hilarious, and bravely goes where she clearly has been, but few dare to repeat even to some friends.

On Girls...

One, obviously, get a job. Seriously. The work will do you good. Any Buddhist monk will show you the path to enlightenment: chop wood, carry water. Having to get along in the world without your parents money doesn't make for a very long storyline or a very compelling drama. Especially in a timeslot directly following 'Game of Thrones.' It makes a little bit of comedy, and that all due to Dunham's great voice. It does, of course, beg for a very tiny whiny violin.

But it was the pilot and I'm no TV Critic thank god because who DOES that, and anyway I'm here to fully support the creation of art by women, and voice openly my disagreement with it if necessary. I hope that Dunham is given plenty of room to discover her voice and her artistry and that the haters are not even more harsh than they would be on, say, Two and a Half men, that is to say, not at fucking all.

But watching these young girls flail about is not just the right amount of squeamish needed for some comedy, it's truly painful. It hurts me to watch this girl get fucked and told to 'play the quiet game', but it's excruciating to watch her ask for his approval, forgiveness, and that he not be disgusted by her. I want to walk in, yank her up, slap her, tell her to leave the room, beat the shit outta the guy, let him know he will NEVER deserve a woman of this much talent, wit, and beauty, and then buy HER a drink. And set her straight. Or, at least, shed some light in the infuriating darkness that is being Female in your 20s.

The other thing that strikes me is that, with these girls, as with all women, there is a distinct lack of mentorship or older, wiser (?) sisterhood around them. Lena's character seemingly only has 1. girls her age in her similar predicament, and 2. Her mother. And this isn't just in the show; this is everywhere, at least in America. Where is Lena Dunham's Martha Gellhorn to me? Are these women only to be found in dead female writers and artists? WHY isn't there more of a network? Young people won't listen, and those who have been through their own knocks sigh wistfully at the audacity and lack of foresight of youth, and know that one day, they'll know as well. But wouldn't it be grand if we all, all of us women, had some manner of network, some sisterhood outside of family and condescending female bosses that you could really talk to and bounce things off of? Wouldn't it feel better to hear, in your 20s, from someone in their 30s (hi there!), that you just seriously won't give a shit about these things in a few years? Well. I'll do my best. For anyone reading.

Girls, girls, girls. Sigh. Your 20s are all about boys, and your body. Whatever thoughts you may have had in high school about either, they'll be magnified times 100 after college, or in your 20s regardless of higher education, no matter how many feminist theory books you've read or naked female bodily acceptance parties you went to. Because the difference is: now you're an adult. Now, you're supposed to get it. You're supposed to know.

You spend your whole 20s kind of thinking about your career, debating going to the gym, and ALL of the time wondering why he didn't call/email/text/whatever digital form of socializing torture they've invented. When you're 30? You just stop giving a shit. You know why he didn't call? Because he's a fucking idiot. You know why he treats you like shit? Because he wants to see if he can. You know why he fucked you? Because he thought he could. You know why he ran away? Because he fucking got scared and he's a fucking child and you should RUN the OTHER WAY as fast and as furiously as you possibly fucking can. It doesn't matter how much money you have, it doesn't matter if you do work out, it doesn't matter if you're skinny or fat or shave your legs or wear more eye makeup or wear less makeup the boys don't notice, don't care, won't remember, and DO NOT DESERVE YOU. Have a drink, have, like, LOTS of them, see if you can manage to forget about him, fuck as many as you want (SAFELY god dammit and if he won't wear a condom, beat the shit out of him and kick him out on the streets because it won't be him waiting to get that abortion now will it.)

I'm re-reading letters from Martha Gellhorn (famously and tragically known as Hemingway's third wife, but a writer and war reporter fully within her own right and reputation). I tracked these down from a New Yorker article (she also wrote for the New Yorker in the 20s and 30s) that I had vaguely remembered from back in MY 20s. I remembered one photo of Gellhorn, or somebody, I couldn't remember who, but of that ex-pat WWII generation, holding a rifle (must be Hemingway related, right?), with a quote underneath. I tracked it down in the NYorker archives and remembered the great cover, which, among many other paintings, clippings, photographs, and images I had pasted around my sweet 3rd Street Bachelorette in my 20s in Long Beach.



This woman burned herself into my memory like nothing else. That image of her holding a rifle, looking at the camera lens like "why are you even looking at me." And that fateful quote at the bottom, has been in my mind all these years since until I finally found it again.

I remember how painful it was, and I've never been the type of girl that needed a boyfriend, or a partner, or even a best friend. I was born to be alone, no matter how painful, and I'm best alone. And I still remember the books and books of journals and poetry and nights crying over red wine. Whyyyyyyy!?!? Why won't he love me? Why won't he call? Why her? Why not me? I look back. The journals have been burned (too repetitive, I felt it was time to finally leave the past behind. What a grave mistake. Never burn history. Never.), but they were all about two things: I only want to do what I was born to do, what I need to do to live, and get paid for it. And 2. WHYYYYYYYYY???? I've always been engendered with a pretty healthy sense of confidence and self esteem, but rejection is rejection. Now, I can't remember any of them that I was worried about, and I downright fucking god damn laugh at the others. THEY were the fools, and I was so much the better for not ever being any more involved than I was.

I was fortunate that I sook out women like Dorothy Parker, Martha Gellhorn, Sylvia Plath, Joan Didion...those rare women who dared to live and tell every last honest detail about it all. So that the rest of us could feel like we weren't alone, that we weren't crazy (although the world will continue to try to make a woman 'crazy' if she at all expresses herself).

Lena Dunham is one of these women.

She's just so young.

If the character doesn't learn to love herself, I surely hope that Dunham, throughout her career and travels and hopefully every once in a while, truly decent and deserving man, does.

The quote at the bottom of the photo of Gellhorn etched into my brain almost 15 years ago was this:

"Men wanted me and became furious when they found out that I was separate from them, with my own ideas, needs, plans, actions."

Make your own plans, girls. Make your own action. Have your own needs.

And get what you want. Because Honey, I can nearly damn guarantee he isn't worth a second thought. No matter how much thought you've already given it, it's too much.

Save yourself. It's the only thing that will matter.